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trizo
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3091 Posts
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 Posted - 23 Apr 2008 : 1:30:29 PM
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A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.
There's no answer so he knocks again.
Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...
"Harro", says the Jap guy
"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman
"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.
Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says
"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man.
"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheelie Bin?"
"OK" "OK" , says the Jap, "I wheelie bin having w@nk"
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Edited by - trizo on 23 Apr 2008 1:45:50 PM |
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trizo
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3091 Posts
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Posted - 23 Apr 2008 : 1:42:06 PM
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A little old lady goes into a sex shop, shaking like she has Parkinson's walks up to the counter and says to the assistant,
"Young maaaan, have you got a viiiibraaaatoor?"
He's a bit taken aback and not sure if her heard her correctly because of her shaky voice, but he picks out a modest-sized model and places it on the counter.
"Nooooo, nooooo, bigger than thaaat"
So he brings her the next size up.
"Noooooo, noooo, bigger than thaaaat"
This happens a few times until finally he places the biggest vibrator in the entire shop on the counter. It's eighteen inches long with a girth that would make even Jenna Jameson's eyes water.
"Yeeeees, yeeeees, thaaaat's the one. Hoooow do you tuuuurn it off?" |
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trizo
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Posted - 23 Apr 2008 : 1:47:52 PM
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, "Fuc off, you won't bring it back!" |
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trizo
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3091 Posts
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Posted - 24 Apr 2008 : 5:26:59 PM
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I know a Jewish bloke who cries every time he thinks about his ancestors being detained in the concentration camps.
He just can't get over all that unpaid work they did. |
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trizo
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3091 Posts
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Posted - 24 Apr 2008 : 5:27:46 PM
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I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh1t." |
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trizo
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3091 Posts
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Posted - 24 Apr 2008 : 5:29:06 PM
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I just loaded "Colin McRae's Helicopter Simulator" onto my PC, but it keeps crashing!
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trizo
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3091 Posts
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Posted - 24 Apr 2008 : 5:33:29 PM
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Q. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A. That's one of the side-effects of mace. |
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trizo
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3091 Posts
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Posted - 24 Apr 2008 : 5:36:57 PM
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Contrary to popular belief Tom Cruise is not a practising Homosexual.
he's very good at it and doesn't need to practice |
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jas89
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779 Posts
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Posted - 24 Apr 2008 : 6:37:37 PM
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haha some good ones there triz....good one
i got some but ill post them when i get time...gotta go to work soon
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trizo
Forum Moderator
3091 Posts
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trizo
Forum Moderator
3091 Posts
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Posted - 25 Apr 2008 : 2:51:24 PM
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Just bought one of them Saddam Hussein t-shirts.
A bit tight round the neck but hangs kinda well. |
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trizo
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Posted - 25 Apr 2008 : 2:52:32 PM
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All those years calling up the sex lines has finally gotten to me.
Caught those hearing aids. |
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trizo
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3091 Posts
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Posted - 25 Apr 2008 : 2:54:20 PM
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Recently I received a warning about the use of the term, "towel heads"
A politically incorrect term.
Please note, we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words.
I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists who hate our guts and want to kill us do not like to be called "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their heads is not a towel but actually a small, folded sheet.
Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as
"Little Sheet Heads."
Thank You for your support and compliance on this delicate matter. |
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trizo
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3091 Posts
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Posted - 25 Apr 2008 : 2:56:11 PM
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| Remember that news footage a few years ago showing Michael Jackson dangling a young child from a hotel balcony? Odd, because he normally just tosses them off. |
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trizo
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Posted - 28 Apr 2008 : 10:29:33 AM
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A man gets home from work early one day and catches his wife in bed naked but alone.
Being a little suspicious, he decides to look about the bedroom and, on entering the en suite bathroom, he catches a guy standing there totally naked.
He says, "what the hell is going on here?"
The guy replies, "it's okay: I'm from the council, we have had a report that you have a moth infestation."
The husband says, "but you've got no clothes on!"
The guy begins to beat himself down furiously saying, "the little bastards." |
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trizo
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3091 Posts
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Posted - 28 Apr 2008 : 10:31:50 AM
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The prison chefs at Paris Hilton's prison are preparing breakfast. They are pouring porridge into each bowl for the prisoners until they get to Paris' bowl.
"I'm going to **** in to this," says one chef.
"Great idea," says the second.
Before you know it they've all cum in her porridge. Then the guards take the bowl to her cell and have a quick **** in it before delivering it to Paris.
Paris looks at the bowl and up at the guards and says "I'm not eating this."
The guard laughs and asks, "Why not?"
Paris replies, "It's got porridge in it." |
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trizo
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Posted - 28 Apr 2008 : 10:35:53 AM
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How do you confuse a blind lesbian?
Take her to a fish market. |
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trizo
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Posted - 28 Apr 2008 : 10:36:55 AM
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A woman brings eight year old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight year old daughter.
Johnny's mother says: "Let's not be too harsh on them. They are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?!" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucing appendix out!" |
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trizo
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3091 Posts
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Posted - 28 Apr 2008 : 10:39:08 AM
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The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.
One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'
After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick crap... How about yourself?'
The next thing i heard him say was ...... 'Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some prik in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.' |
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trizo
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Posted - 28 Apr 2008 : 10:40:08 AM
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A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend: "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything."
His friend replies: "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"
"No, I never found her head."! |
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trizo
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Posted - 28 Apr 2008 : 10:45:36 AM
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Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Please give just a small donation of 2 pounds and we will send you the video it's fucing hilarious!!!
bit out of taste Iknow but piss funny |
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Edited by - trizo on 30 Apr 2008 6:22:28 PM |
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trizo
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Posted - 28 Apr 2008 : 10:46:16 AM
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A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you? |
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trizo
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Posted - 28 Apr 2008 : 10:48:36 AM
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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
Oi whats your disability?
I said "Tourettes! now fuc off you d1ckhead!" |
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trizo
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Posted - 28 Apr 2008 : 11:06:29 AM
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| Going to War over Religion is basically killing one another to see who's got the better imaginary friend... |
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trizo
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Posted - 30 Apr 2008 : 6:29:01 PM
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Anyone after some home improvements see below.
Josef Fritzel Ltd.
Cellar Conversions & Soundproofing Specialist.
A Family Business Established 25yrs. |
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trizo
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Posted - 30 Apr 2008 : 6:29:42 PM
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| If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting? |
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trizo
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Posted - 30 Apr 2008 : 6:30:41 PM
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My local's rough as anything.
I went to the pub quiz the other night.
First question was, "what the fuc are you looking at. |
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Edited by - trizo on 30 Apr 2008 6:31:57 PM |
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trizo
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Posted - 30 Apr 2008 : 6:32:53 PM
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| A man is running his eye over a menu in a restaurant when his attractive waitress asks him what he'd fancy. "A quickie, please" "Sir" she says, I"ll ask you one more time, is there anything that takes your fancy? "Yes" says the man again. "A quickie" Outraged she slaps him across the face and storms back across the restaurant in a huff. "Mate" says the guy at the next table, "its pronounced quiche" |
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trizo
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Posted - 30 Apr 2008 : 6:33:53 PM
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Did you know they print serial numbers on condoms?
No?
Guess you haven't rolled one down that far then.
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trizo
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Posted - 30 Apr 2008 : 6:34:54 PM
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| Old people make lovely cakes, but getting them in the oven can be a real struggle. |
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trizo
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Posted - 30 Apr 2008 : 6:39:42 PM
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Husband and wife...
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top. |
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